Having the name Talia makes going to souvenir shops a waste of time. I don’t even bother looking through the swiveling stands of magnets anymore. The closest paraphernalia to my name I’ve ever found was a T-shirt with ‘Italia’ on the front, on which I oh-so-cleverly crossed off the first ‘I’.

I still remember my sophomore year of high school, when a little freshman – also named Talia – waltzed in, single-handedly stealing my uniqueness. Man, was I bummed.

Luckily, now, parents are doing their best to avoid the occurrence of such a situation. The names of children coming out the chute these days are simply mind-boggling. They make you wonder exactly what drugs the parents had been doing, or just how severely they were dropped on their heads as kids.

Folks are naming their children after a spectacular array of things: places, types of food, prized possessions, sports, values, adjectives and random nouns. The Skyy (a boy name) really is the limit.

Some people have such a hard time deciding their child’s name that they settle on an awkward blend of names, like Ashlynn, Rylan, or British model Jordan Andre’s daughter, Princess Tiaamii (a mix between Thea and Amy). I thought we had all learned from Phoebe in ‘Friends’ that Princess as a name was a no-no after her experiment with Princess Consuela Banana Hammock.

Other parents have chosen what is termed a ‘convertible name’: a long name that, according to Psychology Today, collapses into a normal word, like the name Charles Henry Underhill Grisham Sernovitz, which was apparently coined for the brilliant college nickname CHUGS.

Celebrities are no exception.

As if famous kids won’t be screwed up enough, their Tinseltown mommies and daddies are giving them absolutely no hope of normalcy. Geri Halliwell’s daughter is Bluebell Madonna, Jason Lee and Beth Riesgraf’s kid is Pilot Inspektor, Shannyn Sossamon’s son is Audio Science, and Arthur Ashe and Jeanne Moutoussamy’s child is Camera.

Our vice presidential candidate has gone down the alternative-name road as well. Sarah Palin’s kids are dubbed Bristol, Piper, Track, Willow and Trig – perhaps she should have named one of them Maverick instead.

Are such names are supposed to give a kid a leg up in the world? I would love to know just how far a parent thinks their precious Tragedy, Dung or Loveless is going to go in life. I also wonder if little Armani, Canon, Timberland, Lexus, Jaguar, Toyota and Xerox are going to feel uncomfortable using any other brand than themselves.

At least Vienna and Texas will never forget the spelling of their locations, and I sure hope Thyme, Cappuccino, Bologna, Gouda, Oat and Cherry will never get sick of themselves. Truth, Sincerity and Wisdom must live out their meaning, Espn has got to love sports and Champion better be the man. Legend could probably sue Will Smith and make good money for jacking his name.

Sparkle, Special, Vanity, Cotton, Cashmere, Luscious and Turquoise are pretty much screwed; but Atom, Whisper, Nature, Desperate, Dilemma and Emancipation aren’t in a much better position.

If baby girl Apple took a trip to Spain would she be called Manzana? Would Blue be Azul?

Wacky names make a teacher’s job all the more challenging.

On the first day of school, teachers are worried about butchering a name like Anna, or mixing up Kristen and Kirsten, let alone correctly pronouncing a moniker like Cilla or Ptolemy (silent P?). Names like that are enough to make a teacher hand in her chalk right then and there.

In retrospect, having a name like Talia isn’t all that bad. It’s unique enough that I have to custom-order everything, and common enough that others don’t laugh in my face. But for others with a hell of a name to bubble into those Scantrons, there’s always the name-changing bureau … or fleeing the country.

Talia Pollock is a weekly pop-culture columnist for The Daily Orange, where her columns appear Wednesdays. She wants to give a shout out to her late (but totally non-fictional) cousin, Harry Tusch. Rest well, man. Talia can be reached at tpollock@syr.edu.

Published on October 21, 2008 at 12:00 pm