If every day were April Fools’ Day, love would be a big prank.

If every day were April Fools Day, could you imagine how scandalous our love lives would be? Every day would be like opposite day. Nothing would hold any validity, and we could undo every remark, argument or one-night stand just by throwing in the handy dandy ‘April Fools!’ remark. It would be like passing ‘GO’ and collecting $200 while doing anything and anyone all the way to Marvin Gardens without ever being sent to jail. If we could tack ‘April Fools’ onto every mistake we’ve made, we’d all be winners.

‘Hi Allison. Whoops, I mean Amanda. Hehehe, April Fools!’
If every day were April Fools Day, we could forget about being punished for those name swaps. We could slip up, screw up and tell her to shut up, as often or as blatantly as we’d like, and it’d all be swell. Obviously, we’ve all messed up before. And unfortunately, we all get punished for these mistakes we repetitively make. But a mistake isn’t a mistake when it’s a planned prank, right? So after putting plastic wrap on the toilet seat, just play your April Fools’ Day card to avoid getting in trouble for a careless error.

‘No, you didn’t catch me cheating, honey, we were just celebrating April Fools’ Day!’
If every day were April Fools’ Day, we could cheat all we wanted and just call it a prank. If we got caught, we could tell our loved one that we’re just joking, that we’re only naked because we wanted to go all out for this prank. We could even tell our fellow adulterer the same — of course we don’t actually want to run away together, and now that we’ve been caught, this whole secret relationship was one big joke. Make sure to practice a convincing laugh, though, because fake laughs are simple to detect.  

‘This date blew, Cindy. Good thing it was just a big fat April Fools’ Day prank!’
If every day were April Fools’ Day, there’d be no such thing as a date gone bad. Like the shows ‘Disaster Date’ or ‘PUNK’D,’ we could jump up at the end of a lousy date screaming ‘APRIL FOOLS!’ and go merrily home solo. If you realize your date blows even before the lobster arrives, you could perform the pop-up ‘APRIL FOOLS!’ scream and peace out extra early. This will definitely prevent acid reflux.

‘Bryan, I think we should see other people. No? Don’t cry! Let go of that hair dryer! Why are you going into the bathtub?! It’s just April Fools’ Day!’
April Fools’ Day provides perfect damage control for a breakup gone bad. If your beau takes rejection just a tad too harshly, just say you’re kidding and then try again another day. The bad news is that you might eventually turn into the little boy who cried wolf. If you keep ‘just kidding’ every breakup, you might get stuck in your lousy relationship for all of eternity, or get eaten by a real wolf.

‘Babe, it’s not you. It’s me. No, April Fools! It’s totally you!’
At least every day could certainly be filled with a whole lot more honesty. They do say that behind every joke there’s a little truth, right? So tacking an ‘April Fools!’ onto the end of ‘your booty doesn’t quite fill out those booty shorts’ is the same as saying ‘your cellulite disgusts me, just kidding!’ Honesty is crucial for a successful relationship … but then again, so is a little humor.

So this April 1, let’s see if blaming everything on the spring holiday releases the tension of fighting, betrayal and heartbreak. If it works, and we all like it, we could start deeming every day April Fools’ Day.

Talia Pollock is a junior television, radio and film major. Her column appears weekly, but she is sick and tired of writing about relationships week after week after week after week. Just April Fooling! Contact her at tpollock@syr.edu.

Published on March 29, 2010 at 12:00 pm