As the semester wears on, there’s a sudden influx of papers due. This often means research must be done. And in our technology-heavy times, that means opening an Internet window and the onslaught of distractions that come with it.

And down the rabbit hole of procrastination we go.

It’s really quite hard to force yourself to that big ‘building where they hide the books’ (to steal Adam Carolla’s phrase for the library), especially when much of the same information can be found in a few keystrokes and mouse clicks.

Being a modern student, the first place I usually turn to is Wikipedia. (I’ll pause for a minute for all the professors to let out an indignant gasp. … Okay, that’s long enough.) I still have yet to fully understand the pure hatred academics have for a website that easily passes along so much information. Yes, by its nature, it can be exploited with false information, but most of what’s on there is fact. You know what else has the wrong information from time to time? Books. There’s plenty of bad information, even done via academic studies, that was once written as fact and now seems laughable.

Even more damaging to a paper’s success is opening up the Pandora’s box of information on Wikipedia. Thirst for knowledge is usually a positive, but when you’ve got five pages due for a morning class and it’s already 11 p.m., it’s probably not good to be learning up on the history of the Power Rangers. Or how the time machine in ‘Primer’ works. Or even William Howard Taft and his grade-A mustache.

If you can escape the Wiki-death grip, you might turn to a basic Google search. But even the Google search bar can be dangerous. Have you ever just started typing in letters to see what the most popular automatic searches are? The searching stupidity is like quicksand: It gets a hold of you, and then there’s no use fighting — things will only get worse. There are three different ways this works.

Layer 1 – People who search for other common .com sites. It seems silly to look up YouTube, eBay or Amazon instead of just throwing them in the address bar, but for all I know, the famous websites can have the same names as your grandma or grandpa. Of course, they can’t be blamed. They’re still upset about how Bill Haley came around and ruined their jazz with this new fangled ‘rocking roll’ music.

Layer 2 – Those who use Google to find other search engines. By using Google to find Yahoo or Bing, I fear people might be attempting to tear a hole in the space-time continuum (which, if done maliciously, is the lamest evil plot since the micro-transactions of ‘Superman III’). Either that, or the world of ‘Idiocracy’ is slowly becoming reality.

Layer 3 – ‘Google.com’ is the #3 option to pop up when you type a ‘g’ into the Google search bar. I … I just don’t know what to say. It gives me a throbbing headache just thinking of it. Who are these people that must find Google while on Google? Is it some sort of elaborate hipster joke? If not, how have these people survived so long in the modern world? Darwinism is clearly letting us down.

Even if you can get past the hurdles of searching for this knowledge, there’s also the ever-looming pitfall of opening up tabs for a quick distraction. It takes a strong-willed individual to not succumb to this addiction, despite being part of a generation that has the attention span of a coked-up meerkat. ‘Hakuna matata’ is just a gateway phrase.

I can’t help but open tabs to indulge the wanderings of my slightly OCD mind when writing papers. Is Keyboard Cat still as funny as I remember it? For those of you wondering: Yes, it is. Should I start Clinton Portis or Fred Jackson at RB2 on my fantasy team this week (either way, I’m screwed)? What new unnecessary changes has Facebook made to its platform this week? Stupid Internet and its ability to satiate inane ramblings.

Stand up, children! Fight the procrastination that’s been hardwired into our systems. Together we can beat the time-sucking power of the Internet and get this paper written.

But maybe one more glance at Chewbacca’s Wikipedia page or another viewing of ‘Charlie bit my finger’ first.

Seth Sommerfeld is graduate student in the Goldring Arts Journalism program and is the humor columnist. Conan O’Brien has worn Seth’s hat while performing a guitar solo. True story. He can be reached at srsommer@syr.edu.

Published on October 6, 2010 at 12:00 pm