When I was a little girl, I’d occasionally drag around my stuffed Kermit the Frog and spend my summer afternoons with bubble wands. And even though I’ve never intentionally worn meat, I have been a victim of a sloppy joe food fight. If only I was 6 years old today. The same circumstances might have placed me above that brat Suri Cruise as best dressed.

Vogue’s special edition Best Dressed issue dropped this week. Stuck between perfectly photoshopped pictures of Blake Lively and Kate Moss was none other than Lady Gaga. Not a surprise because Mama Monster has mesmerized, shocked and confused the hell out of the world with her ‘cutting-edge’ fashion.

‘Fashion’ being the key word. Gaga’s ensembles, while undoubtedly creative, are merely costumes created by a team of stylists, designers and eccentrics. Most creative use of pearls? Sure. Most peculiar placement of lace? You bet. But best dressed?

Blake Lively’s effervescent personality shines through her effortless style, gaining her bombshell status. And Kate Moss’s iconic image has both influenced and captivated the fashion world since her first spread in Britain’s The Face magazine when she was 16. Then there’s Lady Gaga, whose red pleather, nun-inspired, boob-gun style portfolio is essentially costume, not style.

Gaga’s elaborate and intricate designs are unique and certainly complements her message of embracing individuality. But saying she’s best dressed is a bold statement, one that a dress made out of raw meat wouldn’t even be able to back up.

I could easily rummage through the costume bin of my dance recital days and strut around in sequined tutus, polka dot leotards and a hat shaped like a birthday candle. Perhaps I will someday. And just like Gaga’s bizarre justifications, I’ll make clear that my candle hat represents the dim yet ever-present flame of our country’s unity. Be yourself. Equality for all. 

However, I am a Gaga fan. She’s a freak of nature, which is exactly what we need in a country of Justin Biebers and the Jonas Brothers. Not to mention that her use of plastic telephones and ripped tights is both innovative and resourceful. And though I’ve been amused by her confusion as to whether she’s a pop star or politician, I respect Gaga for using her celebrity to advocate for gay rights, inspire youths to embrace who they are and piss off the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals without a bit of concern. 

But again, saying she’s best dressed is like hanging a toilet bowl from the ceiling and calling it a masterpiece. Her costumes are irreplaceable, but only in the sense that you wouldn’t wear a meat dress for a Saturday night out.

Plus it’s difficult to imagine that Chanel-cloaked, Bottega Veneta-jeweled, Vogue editor in chief Anna Wintour would condone such a celebrity earning a spot on her coveted list. Especially one whose closet includes a Kermit the Frog cape and a device that shoots sparks out of her vagina.

Lady Gaga surely has had her moments, but they are few and far between. Her homage to the late, great Alexander McQueen is fabulous, and she rocks the s*** out of Prada and Miu Miu. But unfortunately, there’s a difference between wearing designer duds and creating something out of the first idea that’s popped into your head (hence the lobster mask).

Such a difference doesn’t include creating a dress out of raw meat and wrapping the leftovers around your shoes. Mixed with the red of the meat, it appeared she was trying to make some deformed Fourth of July ‘let freedom ring’ declaration.

I’m sorry. I don’t care what statement she was trying to make. That get-up was just plain nasty.

Gaga’s biggest contribution to fashion will most likely be those boob guns she sports in the ‘Alejandro’ music video. They might just be the secret weapon that governments need to finally achieve peace in the Middle East.

Unless Kermit the Frog capes or pork become the next big trend in camouflage.

Lauren Tousignant is a junior writing and communication and rhetorical studies major. She is the opinion editor at The Daily Orange, where her column appears occasionally. She can be reached at letousig@syr.edu.

Published on November 17, 2010 at 12:00 pm