With the startling realization that there are a mere three weeks of school left, I decided it’s time to buckle down.

So I’ve stayed glued to my anthropology book, day and night. I furiously write and rewrite papers, and I’ve moved into Bird Library until finals are through -yeah, right.

I’ve spent my free time lying in bed watching ‘The Big Bang Theory’ marathons, whining about how much homework I should be doing. And one day, as I slipped into a TV coma, I realized something huge: College is hard.

So I’m going back to simpler times. I’ll take a trip back to elementary school, where there are humble folks without temptation. That’s right, I’m going down to ‘South Park’ to leave my woes behind.

The students at South Park Elementary taught me several life lessons throughout the years. For instance: Learn to take a joke, unlike Kanye West. Always have perseverance: Kenny died more than 100 times and still always returns. And there’s no need to improve your eating habits -anything can be solved with a little Chipotle-away.

And beyond ‘South Park,’ my TV obsessions never fail to offer worthwhile advice.

For example, ‘Arrested Development’ taught me that there’s always money in the banana stand. In other words, good fortune is hiding where you least expect it. Like finding $100,000 taped to the walls of a frozen banana stand. Or on eBay, where people will pay for used candy wrappers.

And ‘How I Met Your Mother’ gave me the perfect advice for dorm living: Love thy neighbor, but never make love to thy neighbor. We can all learn from Barney Stinson’s mistakes: Never hook up with someone you will see on a regular basis. Too bad I wasn’t introduced to this wisdom until a few semesters in.

Anyone who has seen ‘The Office’ has learned exactly how to behave in the workplace. Jim Halpert can do no wrong, proving it’s appropriate to date co-workers, put co-workers’ office supplies in Jell-O and mimic co-workers. ‘The Office’ also taught me to be proactive at work. If no one will listen to the fire safety lecture, sometimes you need to get creative and just set the place on fire.

But a final forewarning from my friends at South Park Elementary stuck out in my mind, jolting me back to reality from my television-induced bliss: If you devote your entire existence to World of Warcraft or ‘The Big Bang Theory,’ you will lose all sense of social contact and personal hygiene.

My obsessive TV watching taught me to be prepared instead of getting behind. From now on, I can manage money, be a good co-worker and, most importantly, not hook up with guys who live down the hall. I can be just as productive as my favorite characters.

And that is my motivation to finally get out of bed and get down to business. As Tracy Jordan of ’30 Rock’ fame once said: Live every week like it’s ‘Shark Week.’

Emmie Martin is a sophomore magazine journalism major. Her column appears every other Thursday. She is holding an open casting call for the television series based on her life. To audition, email her at esmart01@syr.edu and follow her on Twitter at @emmiemartin.

Published on April 11, 2012 at 12:00 pm