Summer looms closer, and I can feel the freedom from exams, early mornings and dining hall food on its way. But as I apply for summer internships, one thing stands out on every application: the words ‘unpaid position.’

Starting out hopeful, I applied to a few places offering a salary. And 15 internship applications later, desperation kicked in. I don’t need to be paid, just hire me. I’ll work for free. I’ll pay you.

But that may be a problem. Between housing, food and impulsive purchases of brightly colored sneakers – I really needed those orange Converse sneakers – my finances are withering. It doesn’t look like I’ll see much cash flow this summer either.

And then it hit me: I know how to get rich. The golden ticket is bird puke.

Recently, I stumbled upon a show about exotic foods on the Food Network and watched a guy eat anything that sat still on his plate long enough. It was an uncomfortable viewing experience, but I discovered that in parts of Asia, people pay more than $200 for a dish called ‘Bird’s Nest.’

Although it is a delicacy in China, I was flabbergasted by the exorbitant prices paid to eat something made from bird vomit.

But it got me thinking. If people are willing to pay hundreds of dollars to eat something previously digested by a bird’s stomach, then there is no foreseeable limit to other weird things people will pay for. As someone who once bought a stuffed rabbit with a moustache, trust me. Weird buyers are out there.

Anyone can make money if they get creative and shameless. And I know just how to do it.

First of all, become an eBay mogul. People will literally buy anything from the Internet. There is currently a rock priced at $1.25 million because it looks like a piece of barbequed pork. Tree roots are sold as ‘art,’ and empty Rolo wrappers have gone for 10 bucks a pop. I’m roughly estimating a solid $300 coming my way for the candy wrappers in my room right now.

If selling trash like your old Nickelback CDs doesn’t work out -don’t worry, it didn’t work for them either -you can always invent something useless and convince people they need it. For example, Amazon sells squirrel underwear at $6 each. That’s underwear for squirrels. You can’t be the only house on the block with pantless squirrels anymore.

Anyone can invent something useless. I think my excess candy wrappers can be this generation’s pet rocks. Life isn’t worth living without the companionship of a plastic, purple Starburst friend.

And if neither pans out, there’s a solid standby that has stood the test of time: eating things for money. People love to watch others test their digestive limits, as shown through the popularity of shows like ‘Fear Factor.’ I used to give my friend $1 per sheet of paper he ingested. Everyone has that friend who would eat the million-dollar pork rock for 15 bucks.

I know I’m not alone in facing the harsh reality of unpaid internships. But there are no reasons to let lack of funds hold you back from your dream job, even if you have to put lingerie on squirrels to get there.

Emmie Martin is a sophomore magazine journalism major. Her column appears every other Thursday. She controversially supports pantlessness in all forms, including squirrels. Email her at esmart01@syr.edu and follow her on Twitter at @emmiemartin.

Published on March 28, 2012 at 12:00 pm