Canada is too often the butt of our jokes. Look at those Canucks! What we call bacon, they call ham! They play football with three downs! Those silly Canadians, always getting eaten by bears! That’s so like them.

But enough is enough. Just because someone lives in another country (or his or her blood is made up of 5 percent maple syrup) is no good reason to rag on a Canadian.

I recently trekked up to the land of our northern neighbors. And with the border less than two hours from our fair city of Syracuse, it is a quest that must be fulfilled. No ring of Mordor required. It possesses the same badass savagery as Wolverine — minus Hugh Jackman’s song-and-dance routines.

I love me some Canada. Shall I count the ways?

Oh Canada…

I find it wonderful you have one- and two-dollar coins instead of flimsy paper currency. A hefty pocket full of Canadian dollar and two-dollar pieces somehow makes you feel more substantial. Maybe it’s the weight, maybe it’s the shininess, or perhaps it’s just that one can envision swimming around in a vault of these coins a la Scrooge McDuck.

Did I mention what these coins are called? Loonies ($1) and Toonies ($2).

That’s right, the name of your money conjures the thought of Daffy Duck. The fact that your money can call to mind two of the greatest animated ducks of all time (with apologies to Darkwing) is enough to make you winners in my book.

Oh Canada…

You’re so damn polite and welcoming. It’s almost sickening. Perhaps that speaks to something profoundly wrong with the States. The fact that service workers in Canada greet you with beaming smiles seems shocking. It’s like an entire nation full of Care Bears shooting their tummy symbols at me until I’m curled up in a fetal ball of joy. When did this become an option? Can I take it to go and smuggle this cheeriness across the border? I don’t care, I’ll go full-on ‘Maria Full of Grace,’ if need be.

Oh Canada…

I adore your pronunciations. As much as people poke fun at the use of the word ‘aboot‘ (about), it never fails to bring glee to my heart (and not the annoying singing kind found on Fox) when a Canadian utters it. And it happens all the time. Even on newscasts. If you’ve yet to visit Canada, going just to hear that word uttered is well worth it. Other words like ‘produce,’ ‘sorry,’ and ‘house’ also sound much more entertaining when rolled off a Canadian tongue. It’s like a lovely lullaby sung to you serenely by Dudley Do-right.

Oh Canada…

I’m head over heels for your celebrity gals. From Rachel McAdams to Ellen Page (my personal favorite), I can’t get enough. There’s a sweetness I’m just not finding in their American counterparts. Heck, I even love me some Tegan and Sara, and they don’t even fancy males.

Even if you’re into the hybrid breed of plastic and X-chromosomes, Canada offers you the queen of that realm — Pam Anderson.

Oh Canada…

I respect how decisive you are about hockey being your No. 1 sport. None of this ‘something for everyone’ routine we have in the States. Hockey is even featured on your lowest form of paper currency (the $5 bill). That’s not even a joke.

Heck, you don’t even seem to try in other sports. Who needs ‘em? Basically, you turned out Steve Nash and went, ‘Eh, that’s enough in the non-hockey realm.’ Ballsy…err…puck-sy.

And of course. Oh Canada…

‘O Canada’ puts the ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ to shame. Seriously, that song kicks ass.

So next time you think of insulting the wondrous land across our northern border, ask yourself this: What would Alex Trebek do? If you do not know, that is why you fail.

Seth Sommerfeld is a graduate student in the Goldring Arts Journalism program and the humor columnist. He is the ultra-rare 152nd Pokémon, so apparently you didn’t catch ‘em all. His columns appear weekly, and he can be reached at srsommer@syr.edu

Published on September 15, 2010 at 12:00 pm