Please don’t tell my darling boyfriend, but it’s true. I do. I miss being single. Sure, it’s nice having some stability in my life. I always know exactly whose lips will be locking with mine and who’s causing my iPhone to blast my embarrassing Colbie Caillat ringtone to the rest of my forensic science lecture. I have the same someone to say goodnight to each evening, the same someone’s head to rip off when I’m stressed, cranky or hungry, and occasionally, I even have the same gentleman to pump gas for me.

But where’s the excitement in that, huh? What if I want my T-Pain ringtone to go off sometimes instead? What if I’m too tired to say nighty night at 3 a.m.? What if I just want to silently force dark chocolate down my throat when I’m stressed instead of ‘talking about it?’ What if I want to wash my own windshield at the gas station?

I don’t get to snoop anymore because I trust my man. One of my fondest single-lady memories was when my crush found me snooping through his phone. He and I had danced the night away, and my stellar bumping and grinding moves wore him down to the point that he passed out on my floor. So while he lay there on my un-vacuumed carpet, I of course snooped around. I picked up his cell phone and rummaged through his inbox, his outbox, his missed and dialed calls. Once I discovered absolutely nothing, I returned his phone and saw him awake and looking up at me. Way too much fun.

I no longer have the adjustment period – you know, those moments, hours, days or weeks in which you have to adjust to your new mate. I don’t have to force guys to kiss the way I want or remember to offer them gum in advance. I’m done catering to a new man’s height or build. Why can’t all make-out sessions be strange and uncomfortable?

Since I settled down, I’ve had to find brand-new ways to piss my time away. Facebook stalking my friends isn’t nearly as much fun as Facebook stalking former crushes. Watching ‘Two and a Half Men’ reruns or the disappointing final season of ‘Lost’ doesn’t pass the time nearly as pleasantly as looking at a guy while at his cousin’s circumcision. And watching criminal law shows isn’t remotely as important as background checking a crush. Who cares whether or not the psychopath is guilty of burning down the barn when I just discovered that my crush is guilty of being fraternity brothers with my old roommate’s ex-lover, making him off-limits to me?! I rest my case.

I also really miss wearing my nice apparel – those outfits I carefully put together from expensive shopping trips that I splurged on. I think I’ve forgotten how to straighten my hair and shave my legs. When I was single, no days were sweatpants days. I’m not one of those beautiful ladies who can pull off sweats and straight hair and look great enough to go see ‘The Lion King’ on Broadway. But now, sweats are all I wear. Every day. All day long.

One of my single-lady pastimes that I miss the most is singing. I loved to belt my heart out, sometimes singing so hard tears fall into my open, singing mouth. I made a great game of attributing different boys to different songs on the radio. One guy was my bad boy, who became the subject of all the ‘I hate you but I love you’ songs. Another was my mystery boy. Did he like me or not? And why did he try to act so ‘cool’ around his friends? Sometimes I would be that happy girl singing about walking on clouds, and other times I would be that depressed mole locked inside her gloomy life because nobody would ever love her. Now who am I? I’m the one who has to select which song is right for her man. I’m the one who pities the moles and the naive cloud walkers.

I’m the one who listens to Al Green’s ‘Let’s Stay Together,’ y’know, for reassurance. Just don’t let my boyfriend hear it.

Talia Pollock is a junior television, radio and film major and the assistant feature editor. She hopes that she was able to successfully convey sarcasm in this column. She also wants to wish her sweetheart a happy anniversary. If you want to send her presents for the momentous occasion, she can be reached at tpollock@syr.edu.

Published on February 21, 2010 at 12:00 pm