Whether you’re flying free, locked down or hold the indescribable status of ‘it’s complicated,’ I’m sure we can all agree on what makes a lousy Valentine’s Day gift.

Breakfast in bed: Home-cooked Belgium waffles are one thing, Ernie Davis Tater Tots are another. Even if you throw in ketchup and sausage links on the side, there’s no way that Work-Study students can whip up a breakfast-in-bed meal worthy enough for the special morning. Unless she’s craving fried food to cure that hangover from the night before, put on an apron and scramble her up some egg whites.

Lingerie: Just like women’s bodies are different, so are the lingerie they want to wear. Even though the girl of your dreams is clearly a D cup, that doesn’t mean the woman in your life is the same. Sorry guys, but getting her bra size right is a must. Too small is an insult, too big is saying she’s not good enough. If you’re going to get her some lace, make sure you get her size right.

Card: Greetings cards can be great – those rhymes, the pretty borders, the big cursive fonts and all the hearts. But you can totally blow any card by screwing up the signature. And no, secret admirer doesn’t count. What if you’re not her only one? How will she know this ‘secret’ somebody is you? And by no means is that four-letter word starting with an ‘f’ ever an acceptable way to sign-off. Remove ‘from’ from your card-writing vocabulary. A slanted heart, a ‘yours truly,’ an ‘xoxo’ or even a simple comma is better to place in front of your name.

A song dedication: Telling your sweetie to tune into satellite radio at 11 p.m. on Sunday evening is not a present. It’s just not. Even though it’s impressive that you remembered ‘your song,’ broadcasting it with a generically corny line does not suffice as a gift.

White chocolate heart: We all know that Valentine’s Day is directly correlated with chocolate. Fine. We all love indulging in little dark aphrodisiac pieces on this romantic day. But white chocolate is not chocolate. It’s white, sweetened lard. It’s not tasty, not visually appealing and not an OK gift.

The Big Question: Unless you’ve put delicate diamond earrings in that little blue box, offering an engagement ring on Feb. 14 just shouldn’t be done. Not only is it the definition of corny, but getting turned down on Valentine’s Day is not very romantic.

Alcohol: When you think about it, this one is a no-brainer. Guys should be buying girls drinks every night. Putting a big red bow on her regular weekly bottle of booze does not suffice as a gift. Keep this poor behavior up, and your lady will be running to the open frat parties from now on.

Boxers: If a guy’s giving a girl a pair of shiny, red- and pink-hearted boxers, think of it as a kind donation, not a present. He either received these from his mom as a gag gift or he has it leftover from his ex-girlfriend. Either way, the re-gift doesn’t make a gal all warm and tingly.

Gift certificate: Gift cards are something you give to your neighbor for watching your dog. They’re the subject of many jokes during the holidays. Besides, you’re supposed to be buying her dinner and drinks anyway, remember? So when would she use it? Maybe when she’s out with the girls talking about the big jerk that you are.

Nothing: This is an obvious one, but it must be written. Even if your babe insists that Valentine’s Day is lame, you must at least acknowledge it with a rose, a candy heart, a mix-tape or a card. Just sign it right.

Talia Pollock is a junior television, radio and film major and the assistant feature editor at The Daily Orange. Her column appears every Monday. She can be reached at tpollock@syr.edu.

Published on February 8, 2010 at 12:00 pm