Upon my return from a summer and a fall semester in Los Angeles, I’ve brought back more with me than an intense distain for the cold: a new relationship status.

After an atypical attempt to preserve my high school relationship went sour by turning my 12th-grade sweetie into a freshman enemy, the idea of settling down in college was about as appealing to me as eating an uncooked lamb chop. Sometimes all those stars in the smoggy California sky align. Though it was hard to see through the pollution from cars jammed on the overcrowded freeways, a beautiful heart formed in the heavens, and I fell organically in love.

Leaving my new beau to come back to school hasn’t been as pretty of a picture. We use video chats and body pillows to the best of our ability – so that isn’t the issue. The issue is my best dude friends here at school happen to be my former body pillows from the past two years. While I am overjoyed that our relationships prove to stem deeper than most college flings typically grow, hanging with my former romantic interests is turning out to be very unromantically interesting.

Fortunately one of my buddies has solved this seemingly awkward problem. His solution: employ me as his wingwoman.

Now, the job of the mainstream wingman is moderately straightforward. Guy likes girl. Guy notifies wingman. Wingman helps guy get girl by using a few basic methods: flirting with girl’s lady friends, exaggerating all of guy’s ‘assets’ to intrigue girl and spying on guy to make sure he’s not blowing it solo.

The job description of a wingwoman, though? There’s no Wikipedia entry for that one. Using girl friends to snag love interests is a fairly underused tactic for guys. So I’ve written out my own guidelines to help guy pals avoid going home stag.

1.) Hit on desired girl. Compliment her exterior: her top, her jeans, her tan, her tattoo, her totally trendy black nail polish. Just get on her good side. Then pour her a drink. Relax her a bit and get her loosened up. The compliment-drink combination should get her feeling sexy and earn you the girl’s utmost respect.

2.) Gossip to the girl about all the males in the room. You should diss every dude except your boss. Explain to her, ‘That one’s dumb, that one listens to Taylor Swift, that one only drinks Michelob Ultra.’ End your tell-all session by talking up your guy. Tell the girl how fantastic your friend can be, how smart, fun, yummy and always smooth he is (even when he’s not.)

3.) Call the guy over. Flirt with him a little bit, but nothing too dramatic. Flirt enough so that girl starts to get a little green tinkle in her eye. When you sense her anxiety, it’s time for the most important move. Swiftly sweep her into the conversation while you step out. Be cool, calm and collected, smile and wave as you leave the two alone to start to mingle.

4.) Fend for your guy. While you’re in a dark corner texting sweet nothings to your own lover, keep one eye on your two subjects. You’re an expert in girls’ body language, so investigate. Look for positives: nudging, giggling or flashing (you’ll win wingwoman of the year with that one!), but keep a lookout for negatives, too. Is she glancing around the room? Checking her cell phone? Unnecessarily adjusting her necklace? Taking 12 shots in a row? You may need to intervene.

5.) Based on the results of step four, your final move will vary. Be sure to kick your guy’s roommate out of his room if needed, or run around the party finding a Trojan Magnum XL (so you had to lie a bit in step two). Be prepared to dish out insults about the girl who just rejected him (black nail polish isn’t even trendy anymore.) But one thing you won’t need is an empty shoulder to cry on, because chances are he’ll have you back at step one for another girl just a moment later.

Talia Pollock is taking a stab at being Carrie Bradshaw, la writing the relationship column. She’s no expert, but totally agrees with Carrie that ‘Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate.’ Don’t you? She can be reached at tpollock@syr.edu, and she’ll send you the most fitting ‘Sex & the City’ piece of genius-ness for your all love issues.

Published on February 1, 2010 at 12:00 pm